In the Middle

I've decided to give this blogger thing a whirl..  I'm starting off in the middle, as I see it, in the middle of my life, in the middle of my angst, in the middle of the loss, in the middle of the process of getting ready to pick up the pieces and start again. In the middle of who I am to be before I..  no longer be.
I'm not familiar with how this blogging works, but for me, it will be a way to put my thoughts and feelings and life into words.  Maybe the words will help me validate my existence, accept my losses, recognize my triumphs and take glee in the simple pleasures around me.  Possibly they will do nothing at all, other than consume more time.

Me..  53 years into this life of Die.  A mother of 3 adult girls, step mother of 2 adult boys, wife, sister, and daughter. Keeper and adorer of animals, a cat, 2 dogs and 3 horses.  I love my husband, children, siblings, parents and my animals.  I don't always like them, but I do love them.

Me.. with a body I have yet to come to terms with.  It carries too many illnesses, which lend to making me weak, both physically and mentally.  Weak and kind of broken.  It is never the right size, never has been, likely never will.

Where:  Not where I want to be, nor where I thought I would be at this time in my journey.  The plan was to come home, this is not home.  This is The Bat Cave, where we landed out of sheer desperation.  Only suppose to be a "touch down"...  but 2 years later..  still mired in The Bat Cave.  At least the bats have left, and did not return.

What: I left behind the home of my dreams, owning my own land, trees, grass, and flowers.  I left behind my freedom.   Space,  I lost space.  I was not even aware how much I loved space until now.. in the middle of my life, loss and angst. They are lost to me now.  Lost, gone, and not with out painful reminders.  Reminders that shape how I live out each day. Simple tasks, that have become burdened with turmoil.  There are so many small things that were taken for granted, now gone.

In the middle..  indicates there is hope. Hope that although this place I am in, on the journey in the Life of Die, will be short.  Just a smudge on the life line.

Today, I shed a tear, felt that huge lump in my throat and the over whelming sense of sadness.  Tomorrow, maybe I will start this story from the beginning. Name the players, call the action, describe the plot, set the stage.  Not today.